Changes

When you meet Elliott, you will see a very friendly, outgoing boy who smiles all the time.  He frequently does things to get reactions from people, and he is endearing.  He waves to everybody, and he will walk up to complete strangers and ask to be picked up or held.

This sounds perfect, doesn't it?  It's not.

When entering a room, 'normal' children will hang back a bit and look to their parents for a 'read' on the situation.  They are cautious and will take cues from their parents on how they are to act in that environment, with those people.  Elliott looks to everyone as potential caregivers.  He has shed few tears this week because we are just another change in his short 3 years of life, and he looks to other adults as other potential changes.  He does not yet comprehend that he is with his family.


When discussing adoptive children, you may have several issues with which to deal.  At the most basic level, though, you will encounter issues dealing with either attachment or grief.  Children (such as those in orphanages) who have not had consistent caregivers in their lives may need help in fostering attachment to their new parents.  Children who have been in foster homes and have actually formed attachments with caregivers will grieve the loss of their precious relationships; however, it is said that if they have formed attachments in the past, they will be able to form them again.  (Highly recommended reading for those interested is Patty Cogen's 'Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child.')

We were expecting more grief with Elliott since he had been with his foster family for more than a year and since we were told that he was close to his foster mom.  However, when he was found around 6 months of age, he spent a few months in an orphanage before being transferred to his first foster family . . . and then about a year and a half ago, he was moved to a Holt-sponsored foster family, where he stayed until last week.  Too many changes.


Our main issue at this point in time is trying to help Elliott to realize that we are his parents.  While we are so excited for everyone to meet him, I hope you will understand when we redirect him back to ourselves when he asks you to pick him up.  Please feel free to smile at and engage him, but for awhile he needs to hold our hands.  It's not that we don't want to share him or that we don't want you to touch him.  It's that he needs to learn who his parents are, to whom he should be attached.

Elliott is already starting to look back for us when he walks away, and today he seemed to not be as quick to ask others to pick him up.  Other parents in our group have helped by warmly receiving him, but quickly redirecting him back to us.  Also, his need to communicate visually with us is also helping, as he needs to have good eye contact with us.  So, we are already seeing some positive changes, but it will take some time.

Our other issues at the moment deal with communication and setting boundaries.  Elliott is extremely good at letting you know what he wants and what he doesn't want.  It took him a couple days before he even tried to learn any ASL signs from us.  (He was, after all, very skilled at getting what he wanted by using his own gestures.)  He has caught on now and will repeat signs back to us and has begun using a few signs himself without our first prompting them.  Elliott is quick to grab for what he wants and quick to scream if he doesn't get what he wants.  Hopefully as his ability to communicate with us via signs grows, these tendencies will improve.

Thankfully, we have undoubtedly the best ASL teachers in the world to help with the communication gap.  Pat and Brian from the Northern Virginia Resource Center have been so invaluable in our preparations before we left for China, and they are willing to help our entire family during our adjustment period upon our return home.

Positive changes from here.  ;)